feh. i do not want to go back to school. 

seriously? must be me? hm...




it only hurts when my eyes are open. wish i could sleep for days.

ohh i just love getting ditched. thought i escaped it. guess not. here we go with my trust issues, again. 

aren't high school and your teen years supposed to be the best years of your life? why do mine suck. i have less friends than i have had in a while. one in whom harldy ever speaks to me outside of school anymore. it sucks. i feel like ross took over my social life. i can't just have him. i need other people. i need my friends back. it's so hard to get by every day knowing that i'm the reason i have no friends. it sucks. i am gaining new ones. but they are all younger than me. so when i graduate poof there they go. granted i will find more friends in college, i hope, but it's nice to have rocks to lean on every day. this just sucks and i don't know what to do about it.

i'm sick of crying every night.

i haven't really posted in a while. i've been busy.

i feel like i've been letting people down lately. mostly my close friends. then i get uncertain if they are just putting on a front when i'm around them becasue deep down they are mad that our plans fell through. i'm sorry. =/

ross and i have been fighting a lot lately which is not like us. probably because i'm getting sick of him. like not in a bad way just like we hang out EVERY day. i hardly ever hang out with anyone else anymore. i miss my friends. but then again i love him. i love spending time with him.

i'm just outspoken. and i love to argue. and he's like me. we overreact ... a lot

it might be the holidays but i'm in an incredible mood. i cannot stop smiling. he is everything i have ever dreamed of. i think tonight was the night i realized that i really do want to be with him for the rest of my life. he loves me for me. he is my everything. my world. my entire world. he is such an amazing person. words can't even being to describle how much of an impact he has put on my life. he made me who i am. he is the reason i get out of bed, the reason i changed into a different, better person. he is the only one for me.

it just started snowing and i could not be in a better mood.


if you ever read this baby, know that i will always love you.

always and forever babe.

my day went a lot better after my post this morning. i've found that my dad and i get along better than i thought. we have been bonding the past couple of weeks. he pushes me not in a way my mom pushes me. his is more of an encouragement rather than my moms way which is get it done NOW. which i hate. and it just makes me want to do the task less. but i love my family. and i hung out with chelsey. she is my best friend. she listens. has imput. and i just love her. she makes everything better just by talking it out.

riiight so lately i have not been myself. and ross is the only person who seems to recognize it. i get way to angry over little things. i feel very overwhelmed. which makes me feel like crying constantly. i feel like i'm pushing everyone i love away. i told ross to not hold anything back from me and tell me exactly how he felt. and it backfired. i just get pissed to anything he says. slowly, i'm pushing him away and i don't know why. i'm trying to hold on for dear life, but things are just slipping away. the things that i thought were going to happen are drifting away from reality. i've realized that my life probably won't turn out how i want it to. and things are not going to be the same after high school. granted i hate high school but i'd hate loosing my family and friends even more. i'm more scared than anything. i hate not knowing things. i hate how somehow i get blamed for my 23 year old brother's mistakes. i hate who i used to be and how people still hold it against me. i hate having to apologize for my past. and i hate how everyone in the freaking world thinks they have a right to judge me before they know me. i'm sick of being sick. i'm tired of being tired. yes we are trying to correct it but having all this shit wrong with me makes me feel like people don't believe me and think i'm turning into caitlin cady or something. making up shit for attention. i'm sick of being miserable. i'm sick of having to make the plans with my friends. i'm sick of having about 2 friends. but thats my fault i guess. i've put my boyfriend over alot of people. my old friends, well i'm sick of them. i don't like their lifestyle and i dont like who they have become. i'm trying to distance myself from them. and i'm doing a pretty good job of that. i'm sick of ross telling me i can't hang out with certain people, well i can he just doesn't want to talk to me when i'm with them. and i understand why and all but i feel like he is controllig my life. controlling who i hang out with. saying if i went and did such and such he'd probably break up with me. and then i'm right back to a year and a half ago. i understand that he wants me to be this better person and he likes me so much better when i'm not around those certain people. but he cannot run my life. if you do not like what i do and who i hang out with. then don't be with me. i have to make my own choices and my own decisions or i will never learn from anything. this post is going no where. i'm just sick of everything.

i am not pushing you away, i am holding on for dear life. but i need you to need me back. why wont you tell me everything? why wont you tell me how you're feeling? and why wont you ever just let me all the way in?